How To Conquer the Loneliness.

“Until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” – Mandy Hale

For many years, loneliness has been something I’ve struggled with. If I wasn’t with a group of friends or my significant other, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Loneliness is scary. It’s a fear that we conjure up in our minds, and frequently it holds us back from the fulfilling life we could have.

Most people find true loneliness after a breakup. We can’t wrap our minds around what happened while also trying to deal with our devastating emotions. We try to over analyze each detail of our defeat, asking ourself repeatedly “what went wrong?”

We cling to those memories of the good times, the days when everything was perfect. We think something is going to last forever, and then out of the blue our world comes crumbling around us.

For a few weeks (or months) we wallow in self-pity. We cry, curse and scream into our pillow just to find some relief. Despite the suffering we feel, there does come a point where we need to move on, and when that moment comes we panic.

We don’t know how to be alone, and honestly we don’t want to. The truth is no one wants to be alone. No matter what people tell you, everybody wants someone to love. They may be in denial, but they’ll realize it eventually.

Once the initial pain and heartbreak eases up, we realize that life must go on. Most times we just don’t know how to move past it.

For a long time I held on to something that was beyond over, but no matter how I tried I just couldn’t seem to let it go. All it was doing was causing me pain, but still I refused. One day I sat down and really analyzed why I was continuing to follow this destructive pattern.

That’s when I realized I was enduring this heartbreak  simply because I didn’t want to be alone. At that point I would’ve rather been miserable holding on to a mere memory than to be all alone. At the time it sounded pathetic, but after talking with a few people I realized it’s more common than I thought.

So in that moment, I made myself a promise to never go back to that dark place. I made a pledge that I would face my fear of loneliness, and learn to embrace it. The journey has been tough, and this is something I’ve had to work on every day. However, I’ve learned a few tricks along the way.

Embrace Loneliness:

The first thing we must do if we truly want to conquer this fear is to embrace the loneliness. I simply sat on my bed, closed my eyes and reflected on the fear. I delved deep into my soul to figure out what was holding me back, and after multiple sit downs I figured it out. After that I released it, and let me tell you it was the biggest relief I’ve ever felt.

Make New Friends:

I never realized this would be a tough one for me. I’d had friends my whole life, and I couldn’t figure out why a simple move to a new city made me feel so alone. After discussing this with my therapist, she enlightened me. All of my friends were from back home. I’d always made friends through school or sports, and now those things were out of my life. I didn’t know how to make new friends from scratch which was a big eye opener for me. So I took on the challenge of building brand new relationships.

Explore:

One of the great things about being in a brand new city and uncommitted is the opportunity to explore. Once I starting looking into things to do in my new environment, I realized there are so many new things to try. It’s so exciting to simply explore my community in all its glory. Plus, it’s so much fun!

Join a Group:

This one was extremely intimidating for me at first. I’d always been in groups or organizations where I knew at least one person so going to a new group for the first time was overwhelming. Even so, I put on my big girl pants, showed up to a meeting and lone behold I made new friends.

Take a Break from Social Media:

While social media is a great way to stay connected, it can also be extremely depressing. Yes, we’re happy for all of those people who are finding love, getting engaged/married and having children. Still, deep down it hurts to see people getting what you want in your life. It’s not selfish, it’s human nature. So one thing I’ve found very helpful is just taking a break from social media every once in a while. In that time, focus on the positive and what you want for your life. Your time will come.

Take Life a Day at a Time:

As someone with anxiety I can honestly say this feels damn near impossible for me, and you better believe it’s a daily struggle. I haven’t let my anxiety become an excuse though, and through meditation and prayer I’ve learned to live in the present moment. Life becomes so much more enjoyable when we can achieve this. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed when we think about everything we want to accomplish. Just take it a day at a time, and God’s plan will start to reveal itself.

Focus on Yourself:

Last but certainly not least, learn to focus on yourself. In society today putting ourselves first is frequently looked at as being selfish or egotistical (which baffles my mind). Why aren’t we allowed to focus on ourselves? This is our life. I mean sure you shouldn’t pull a Kanye West and become a narcissistic idiot, but it is okay to make yourself number one in your life. If you aren’t taking time to work on yourself, you won’t become the best you can possibly be. We have to love ourselves before we can love others.

 

Even with all of these lessons I’ve learned, I face a daily struggle. Unfortunately, we can’t just snap our fingers and overcome our fear of being alone. It’s something we continually have to work towards. There will be days that loneliness creeps in, and you give in. That is okay. Just let the fear pass, and get back on track. The moment we finally become comfortable with being alone, we find freedom.

XOXO,
Myka Shantell 💋

You Can’t Win Them All.

“You’re the type of woman a man should never let go of, you’re the type of woman men regret losing. Nothing about you is ordinary. Choose someone who knows this…never settle for less than you are…” – R.H. Sin

One thing I’ve come to truly understand as an adult is “you can’t win them all.” I’m one of those people that continues to fight for what I want despite the obstacles. Seriously, nothing stands in my way.

However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I can say something over and over again until I’m blue in the face, but some people just don’t get it. It doesn’t matter how many ways I try to explain something, they just don’t understand.

This struggle is a deeply frustrating one for me. Like why can’t I just make them understand?

Feelings seem to be one of the hardest things to get across to others. If I say “I love you” then I love you. If you hurt me, apologize and don’t do it again. If I tell you I need you to support me then be there for me. It’s pretty simple.

I feel like these are really easy concepts to grasp, especially because I’m a point-blank kind of person. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s to be brutally honest. People aren’t mind readers, especially guys, so if you want or need something just come out and say it.

For most of my life I’ve known what I wanted for my future. I’ve always known a general direction of where I wanted to go and where I wanted to end up. My ultimate dream consists of success, love, family and happiness.

I feel like these dreams are pretty straightforward, but achieving them has been one of the hardest things in my life. It doesn’t matter how many times I look for love, get a good job or strive for happiness…as soon as I get one another slips out of reach.

Life is a balancing game, and Lord knows I’m a klutz. I guess I just haven’t quite mastered the art of balance yet.

Despite the fact that we can’t win them all, I have a feeling that it’s our job as humans to continue trying. We should strive to be open and honest. We should work toward being clear and blunt about what we want from others.

Beating around the bush and hoping someone gets the hint does nothing but cause us pain. When we feel misunderstood or unheard, it can cause a lot of problems in our relationships and friendships.

By being direct about what we want, we leave little to chance. Now, how someone responds to those wants and needs is a whole other story.

I’ve learned that being direct doesn’t always get us what we want. Sometimes it leaves us more confused and upset than we were in the first place. When we’re honest with others and those feelings aren’t reciprocated, it can really hurt.

I actually went through a situation like this in the last year.

The past year has been an enormous transformation for me. It’s completely challenged my thoughts, beliefs, dreams and everything I thought I knew about myself. There’s been a lot of uncertainty to say the least, but one thing I’ve always been certain of is love.

I’m a very compassionate, caring person. To me “I love you” isn’t only reserved for a significant other. I have friends and family that I love as well, and I’m not afraid to tell them that. I feel like love is something that should be shared and integrated into every part of life in some way.

So, this year I had someone that was very in and out of my life. I gave things way too many chances and usually ended up being the one that got hurt. Yet, for some reason I kept fighting. I told you I was stubborn.

After all of the back and forth I finally told them that we had to come up with a plan, or we had to let it go. I couldn’t deal with the uncertainty anymore. I don’t know how many times  I tried to explain what I wanted, but every attempt was misunderstood. They never got it.

It was really heartbreaking to realize that just because we’re certain about what we want, it doesn’t always work the way we hope. Even laying it out directly for someone doesn’t guarantee results. You just can’t win them all.

So the moral that I’ve taken away from my experience is to continue being open and honest about what I want in life. Just because it didn’t work out for me now doesn’t mean it won’t work out in the future.

There were times that I wanted to shut down and give up. There were moments that I felt like no one would get it, but there is someone out there that will understand. There’s someone who will comprehend what you want from them, and they’ll be able to give you what you need.

That will be the person you’ve always wanted in your life. That moment will make all you’re losses worth while. In the end you’ll be so happy that you continued to pursue your dreams and lived life with an honest heart.

Don’t let one little defeat keep you from all of the wonderful things that are in store. Ultimately, you can’t win them all.

XOXO,
Myka Shantell💋

Surround Yourself With Love.

“Surround yourself with the dreams and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” – Edmund Lee

I realized today that I’ve been single for an entire year, 365 days of only me. If you know me you know this is a huge deal because the last 10 years of my life have been consumed with non-stop long term relationships.

To be honest, I look back on this last year and realize how truly life changing it’s been. This has been the most hectic, lonely, vulnerable, exciting, challenging, heartbreaking, breathtaking phase of my life.

I started the year by leaving a toxic 2 year relationship, packing my bags, and moving to a brand new city. I transported my life to a place where I knew no one and started a new job at a prestigious hospital. I left the security of my family, friends, and a town that had been my home for 25 years. Looking back now, what the hell was I thinking?

To this day I still don’t understand where I got the guts to take this huge leap of faith. As I’ve told my new friends my story, they all seem to have one common response. They each tell me how brave I am. I never really understood why they said that, until now.

I’m really proud of myself for taking a chance on a new start, a new life. It does take a lot of courage to leave everything you’ve ever known for an unknown future. When I first moved here, I kept wondering if I’d made a mistake. I constantly worried that I’d ruined my life, and for a while I let my fear get the best of me.

It’s taken me almost the entire year to finally start finding true happiness in my current life. A few years ago I had a crystal clear dream of what I wanted for my future. I wanted to be married, buy a house, have a baby, and travel.

Sometimes I catch myself grieving that alternative life I thought I’d be living, but recently I’ve began to notice signs of why my life hasn’t turned out that way. At least not yet.

There were many times over the last year that I felt so incredibly sad and lonely. I would curse and yell at God, blaming him for my despair. I had nights that I cried for hours just wishing someone was there to hold me. I know it sounds gloomy, but my emotions run very deep and sometimes dark.

It wasn’t until this “year” mark of being single that I realized there was a bigger purpose to my pain. God has been molding me into the best version of myself in preparation for all the wonderful things my future has to offer.

For so long I tried to fill a void in my life with romance thinking that loving someone else would bridge the gap. This past year I’ve learned to surround myself with positivity and fill that emptiness with self-love.

See, the thing about self-love is no one can ever take it away from you. No one can ruin the compassion you have for yourself. It’s a sacred and beautiful thing, but it also takes a lot of time and practice to master.

I truly believe I’m a good person. I know I have plenty of flaws, but I try to do the right thing and live each day to the fullest. In some weird way I thought being a good person automatically meant I’d end up with Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Yet, I’m learning that life is about so much more.

It’s about loving yourself and those around you. It’s about doing the right thing because you want to, not because you have to. Life is about helping others in need and adapting to your circumstances.

It’s about surrounding yourself with good genuine people who want to see you happy. It’s about chasing your dreams and waiting for the right person to come along. It’s about living.

It frustrates me to no end that in our society being 25 years old and single is like a death sentence. Yes, I am 25 years old. No, I’m not married. No, I don’t have kids. No, I don’t have a boyfriend. So what?

It’s time for our generation to wake up and realize we are unique. Stop trying to fit into a mold just because society says you should. Do the things you love to do, travel the world, follow your dreams. Surround yourself with good people, and you’ll be amazed at how much of a positive difference it makes in your life.

After a year of just me I now realize what’s really important. My new goals don’t depend on a ring or a man, they stem from a deep desire to do what’s best for me. My soul is finally free, and I’m ready to follow my dreams wherever they may take me.

If there are people in your life that are holding you back or not contributing to your happiness, delete them from your life. Wash away the negativity, and you’ll see the world in a whole new light. If you’re struggling with loneliness just take life a day at a time. There is someone for everyone. When it’s right you’ll know, and you’ll be so glad you waited.

XOXO,
Myka Shantell💋